Chuck Schading

This story was written for the second challenge in NYC Midnight’s 2024 Flash Fiction contest. The judges were split so I didn’t advance, but I still love this one. (The prompts were comedy (genre) / funeral home (setting) / deck of cards (object)

To: heavenlyrest@nelsonfuneralservices.com

From: justmarvelous@magicmail.com

Subject: Complaint

Dear Sirs and/or Madams,

I am writing today to express my disappointment with your mortuary services on April 24 in regards to the death of my father, Enrico Mancini, or as many knew him, Mancini the Magician (also known as Mancini the Magnificent during a brief period from 1983-1984).

First off, let me say that my siblings and I applaud your dedication in going above and beyond for someone we adored, admired and deeply loved. We would be the first to admit that some of the requests our father made during the pre-planning process were unusual. It’s probably not every day that the future deceased requests a casket that can be opened from the inside, nor for a share of the tickets sold. Likewise, I’m sure you initially thought he was joking when he requested that the casket be ordered from themagicmarket.com and be large enough to account for his body along with five white rabbits, twenty white doves, his favorite balls and the cups, and his lucky deck of cards. Likewise, I’m sure you did not anticipate that my siblings and I would be sawing the coffin in half and pulling quarters out of everyone’s ears as we performed a full-fledged magic act in your viewing parlor. 

My family absolutely understood your frustration with the documentary camera crew, which you called “intrusive and disrespectful,” and with the rabbits as they began gnawing on the furniture and leaving pellets on the carpet. I also agree that we should not have been asking audience members to “pick a card, any card” as you led the audience in a recitation of the Lord’s Prayer. 

With all that being said, imagine our dismay when my brother Max (aka Maxwell the Moderately Miraculous) tried to pass the key to the trick casket from his sleeve into our father’s mouth only to discover that it had been sewn shut. And that our father was actually dead. 

It is in relation to the last point that we are requesting a full and complete refund. 

Sincerely,

Michael Mancini

aka Mancini the Marvelous 

(Formerly known as Mini Mancini from 1987-1996)

*********

To:  justmarvelous@magicmail.com

From: heavenlyrest@nelsonfuneralservices.com

Subject: Re: Complaint

Dear Mr. Mancini,

First, please allow me to once again extend my condolences. I knew your father personally (we bowled together for many years), and I always found him to be as generous as he was quick with a laugh. 

Unfortunately, I do have to point out that neither myself nor my staff were informed that your father would not actually be deceased. I’m sure had he not been such a sound sleeper, we would have noticed the error immediately.

I am therefore unable to grant your request for a refund at this time. I would, however, be happy to offer you 25 percent off your next family member’s funeral.

May the cherished memories of your loved one sustain you through the years.

Sincerely,

Albert G. Nelson

President & CEO of Heavenly Rest Funeral Home and Crematory

*********

To: heavenlyrest@nelsonfuneralservices.com

From: justmarvelous@magicmail.com

Subject: Re:Re: Complaint

Dear Mr. Nelson,

Thank you for your kind words about my father. 

However, I simply must insist on a full refund given the fact that my father was not dead when he was delivered to your funeral home the night before. 

Dad was always a stickler for details, so I find it hard to believe he omitted the crucial fact that he planned to escape from the coffin and take a bow to thunderous applause. We even have him on camera shouting “and now for my next trick!” in your parking lot.

M. Mancini

PS. The publicity our family’s act has received from this incident has been phenomenal. Bookings have increased 30 percent over the past 10 days alone. Are you seeing something similar? Just curious. May my father rest in peace.

*********

To: justmarvelous@magicmail.com

From: heavenlyrest@nelsonfuneralservices.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re: Complaint

Michael,

Have you considered that your father may have died after he was delivered to the funeral home, perhaps of cardiac arrest or something similar? Had we not embalmed him immediately, an autopsy may have borne that out. That is the most plausible scenario, I’m afraid, and I must stand by my opinion that this was the fault of the customer and not the funeral home. (Incidentally, I apologize for suggesting that your father was merely a sound sleeper. We shared a love of dark humor, but it was dreadfully misplaced in my previous email.)

Hat in hand, I would like to increase my previous offer to 50 percent off in the hopes that this matter can be laid to rest along with your dearly departed father. 

We wish your family the very best during this difficult time. 

Albert Nelson

PS. Since you asked, we have seen a marked increase in end-of-life pre-planning inquiries since your father’s funeral. 

*********

To: heavenlyrest@nelsonfuneralservices.com

From: justmarvelous@magicmail.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re: Complaint

Hey Al,

Would you consider giving us that 50 percent off plus 75 percent of the proceeds from the gate at the next funeral? 

Despite the mishap, my siblings and I agree the performance was a hit. Without embalming and burial costs, we believe the show easily could have grossed upwards of $7,500. 

Assuming you agree to the terms, would you be willing to consider a second show sometime in June? This would be my funeral, but to avoid any unnecessary confusion I would like to point out from the get-go that I will NOT be dead at any point during the performance. 

Thank you for your consideration, and we look forward to working with you again in the future.

Sincerely,

Mike Mancini 

*********

To: justmarvelous@magicmail.com

From: heavenlyrest@nelsonfuneralservices.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Complaint

Mike,

You got yourself a deal.

By the way, do you bowl? If so, what are you doing Tuesday?

Al