Chuck Schading

Jan. 9, 1849

Dearest Martha,

What a calamitous day. Such sorrow and heartbreak.

I can scarcely bring myself to write the details but I shall attempt to do so: 

Jeffers professed his love for a prostitute, who then threw boiling water on him after his syphilis diagnosis was discovered. Jeffers, in nothing but his skivvies, then ran onto a frozen part of the river in an attempt to soothe his melted flesh. The whore woman, who I believe is called Molly, or rather was called Molly, then ran out onto the ice as well, suddenly professing her love for Jeffers as well! Huzzah! Unfortunately, just before they reached each other, Molly fell through the ice, plunging into the icy depths and drowning. She was a handsome woman, but the years had not been kind.

Several other men also fell through the ice as they attempted to rescue Jeffers, including three of the Irishmen. All three died, as did a goat.

Jeffers was finally rescued by the paper thin idiot boy, who we sent across the ice with a rope around his waist. My only regret is that we did not think to use the rope when the Irishmen and the goat went across.

Jeffers is inconsolable, as am I, for your absence is now felt more acutely than ever.

Jeffers will find another whore. But I will never find another you.

I remain, forever yours,

Montgomery G. Jenkins

PS. Do not forget me, Martha. I think of your bosom daily.